This morning a few leaves lay fallen on Woodcrest Ave after a night of rain. Their red and yellow pattern on the road spoke of the fall yet to come. Their color reminded me of home, the air had a hint of that musty, earthy smell fall brings when wet leaves are in heaps everywhere. Even the sky matched – still grey after the rain, full of wind sounds, the morning light white and unobtrusive. The only thing revealing I was still in Ithaca was the warmth. 20 degrees Celsius at 7 a.m. completely confuses my Nordic-bred weather instincts.
For a moment I though the pang in my heart was homesickness. Then I realized it was fall I was longing for, not home. I long for the leaves to fall, for the air to grow chill and the wind to rise, to walk on the beach, the wind buffeting me and wrapping me in the salty scent of white-whipped ocean.
The ocean I will probably have to do without. But now, having seen those leaves I not only know, but feel with some inner part of me – the part that wants to dance in the rain and shout to the wind, hair unbound – beckoning, calling for it to hurry, wild and joyous – fall will be coming.
So why am I writing in English? I, who have on numerous occasions chided others for mixing languages? When most of the people reading this page are Danish and half of them prefer it to be in their own tongue? And a stilted, clumsy, bad-grammared English too.
The last one is the easiest: Although my spoken English is slowly improving (very slowly, way too slow, still not good), my written is not. So I apologize for the bad grammar, but this is the best I can do for now. (And I am truly trying to get rid of all the passive verbs even though it might not seem so.)
As for the choice… More and more of my thoughts are in English these days, and I often find myself word-searching when trying to write in Danish. And I find that translating thoughts before putting them on paper does not work that well for me. It most likely makes it worse that I am trying to learn Japanese through an English book – increasing the word-confusion. And I most vehemently still refuse to mix in English words when writing in Danish.
The only remaining choice seems to be to sometimes write in English. Or wait until my Japanese improves 😉
So: Feel free to beat me up about it (I am doing so myself already), by all means comment on my sadly deficient grammar (as it is the only way I might learn), scream and shout if you feel like it, but in the end this is my holy cow to slaughter and I have just done so.
To Christoffer: You are most likely the only one actually obstructed by my change of language, as all the adults reading this page should be capable of understanding my English, poor as it may be. If not they ought to practice anyway ;-
If you wish it, I will make you a sound file with a translation whenever I write in English, although it will most likely not capture all I am trying to express. Your word is my command.